A Hitch Hiker’s guide of the Lotruniverse

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As we join our Epic Dps-monster of a hero, he strides across the plains of the Trollshaws, carelessly dispatching any sort of creature that gets in the way of his newly aquired 25.4 dps bow. As the bears, boars, giants, and insects fall, Sing carefully picks up the random assorted loot. Our hero runs with haste to the nearest town, Thorenhad, to turn in his inventory of junk. Dissapointed with his abysmal show of 20 silver, he decides to pursue a different arc in order to aquire the money he needs. Need money? Yes Sing is above buying tainted gold from chinese farmers, he prefers the old-fashioned way, farming it yourself. His bow cashes his checks.

But why does Sing need so much money? There is a magical time when boys become men in LOTRO, and this happens to be when they learn to drive…..their horse. The beautiful steeds ride liek the wind, and increase your movement speed by 100%. But the horse is not just a speed-increasing vechicle, but the number one status symbol in the LOTRO universe. A man does not need to spend a gold on a small house in the shire, that would make him domesticated. The freedom of riding on the open trail, just a man and his horse is the ultimate rush. The only obstacle Sing faced, the 4.2 gold it costs to add some horsepower to his life. Without this massive amount of money, our Dpser would be without his mark.

Out of ideas on what to do to get the money for his steed, Sing went into Rivendell, his home, and asked his parents for a loan. After they denied his request, he knew he could only turn to one powerful duet. Surely they would know how to obtain this chunk of change. So Sing ran across town to the Last Homely Home, to talk to the revered Gandalf and Elrond.

Sing: They would not even discuss my problem, instead said that i must save the world, and that my needs as a man were worth nothing. I cut a deal with the Grey Wizard (soon to be White). I told him i’d help him out with a couple of problems he was having with the world, in exchange for cash. He took advatage of me though, and i would frequently find myself inside Troll-caves retrieving his lost jewels and trinkets. Once he even required that i take his shard of Beryl and try to use it inside of a Giant-filled caves, in hope that something would happen. When I looked at him like he was a retard, he jingled his cionspurse and I found myself trecking toward the cave with others as stupid as I.

Matt: So the errands you ran for him got you all 4.2 gold?

Sing: Oh hell no, that was only a chunk. After i realized that Gandalf was using me as his pawn to do his bidding, I learned that he was harbouring a hobbit who was known to hold magical goods valuing more than Gandalf’s cheap handouts. For all the work I did for Gandalf I feigned worry in the world and asked to meet this “Frodo.” I didn’t know what i was getting myself into

Matt: You mean you got a meeting with the Hobbit known as Frodo? How did he help in your Quest for the 4-hooved trophy?

Sing: Well, after Gandalf set up this meeting, I met with this Frodo outside the Homely Home around 9pm, after a late dinner. Gandalf had again tricked me into his errand-work. All Frodo wanted to talk about was how terrible, and oppressive his life was. After I finally got him to shut up about his problems, he told me he had a very powerful ring, some “ring to rule them all.” “Jackpot,” i thought, ” this thing has got to be worth hundreds of gold. I asked to see the ring, I could tell it was on his mind. But this furry little Red-headed hobbit jumped us, crying “why would you go out by yourself frodo” and other nonsense of the like. Thwarted once more, I cursed the hobbits and left them alone to their Precious ring-grubbing.

Matt: So you never got your horse did you?

Sing: They do not call me the greatest DPS-hunter on the server for nothing. *scoff* Allow me to finish. After days of moping around, acting with Frodoian-emoness about me, I met a certain Cheery hobbit, adorned in bright armor, and a brighter smile. He told me to sell my metal bars atthe auction house, surely someoen will see value in my craft. And correct that little hobbit was. Renoucing my curses on hobbits, i sold over 3 gold worth of Westernesse Steel ingots to a Dwarf swearing revenge in some mine in Moria. Dwarfs are strange creatures aren’t they? The last 400 silver came in the form of a small loan I took from another Questing partner, the artist formely known as Alegulper. With a loaded coinpurse, I ran to the stables in Bree to collect my mare.

Matt: Ahh what a heart-warming story. I bet…..

Sing: It’s not over. You don’t know what I had to go through to get this crazy “Eodoer” to sell me a fricking horse. the first time i talked to the bloak he said that he would not sell me a horse unless he knew I had the credentials. “Are you kidding me,” I asked, “my 4.2 gold and impressive bow-skills do not merit an animal?” I knew i shouldn’t have made fun of his name, but my Elfish humor got the best of me. He had the balls to send me across the world, delivering fresh steeds to his various vendors. Pitted from my journey, he then gave me a final task.

Matt: *Bored of Sing’s theatrics* Pray do tell o crafter of words

Sing: A Race! Upon my bloodmare i climbed, and through the gates i did fly with the speed of an arrow. Only the wind at my face could stop me now, and I raced off the course, laughing at “Eogan” the whole way, and faded into the sunset, jumping the life to come.

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