Britomart owned me

By: Sam Fisher


Britomart is not the most gorgeous woman. She is of course fairly attractive, but is no Florimell by any means. She stands at about 5’6’’ and has very blue eyes. Her skin is tougher than a woman’s skin normally might be although it is never fully exposed under her deeply slate grey armor. Her helmet is intricately crafted with a grate on the front for her to speak through, which distorts her voice and provides masculinity to her character. She stands very valiantly and straight suggesting a higher level of masculinity than even some men. She holds a spear embellished with jewels with magical properties. The spear seems to possess some sort of aura that covers Britomart at all times. This enchanted nature could perhaps explain her seeming invulnerability. She also possesses two scars that seem improperly healed and have tainted her flesh from her two encounters with the opposition of her form of chastity.

If Britomart were to vote, she would have chosen Obama of course. Britomart is never on the losing side of any test and voting would be no different. Britomart sees the world form a superior perspective and therefore has a higher status than the average individual. If she were to be compared to anyone, it would be a female Achilles. She possesses qualities of both a valiant warrior, and of a superhuman individual despite her wounds (They seemed to be more symbolic than anything).


Britomart: Didst thou spot a young dame captur’d by the ogress Gorasa?


Sam: I dost not think us to entre such a castle.  I spyed a dragyn entyr yonder only a fortnight ago.


Britomart: Cow’rd! Thou fear removeth all forms of chivalrae. Remain here in my stead, squire.


Sam: Aie.

The Maltese Britomart- The Faerie Queen as Film Noir

By: Dan Nockels, P.I.

I was sitting in my office at dusk, the smoke rising from my cigarette almost blocked out the stench of the city stretching out behind me. It really is a filthy town especially in the parts where I do business. That’s when she came in; she was tall for a dame. Not bad looking either. She stood there for a minute and I gave her one of those long Hollywood look-overs, you know the type they do in movies right before you know it’s a misogynist piece of shit. Red hair slightly matted so you knew she wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. That’s a good quality in a city like this. She had a spattering of freckles over the bridge of her nose, looked kinda like the shoddy work of some union worker stopping off at a job between visits to the bar, looked good on her. She was pale, I guess the spooky lookin’ bucket she had in the crook of her arm explained that, looked like she hardly took it off.  “Thou art Nockels P.I.?”

“That’s what it says on the door, baby, what can I do for ya?” I leaned back in my chair swirling the glass of scotch I had been nursing since the last one. She was speaking with a British accent, kinda phoney sophisticated, too much more of this and I might grow fond of her.

“My dearest love hath become lost to me…”

“Say no more doll face, I know the story already.” Turns out I was wrong, the magic mirror thing kinda came out of nowhere. Seems like there is always some new trouble bubbling in the bowels of this city. Seems like I’m always right there in the middle of it. I took the case. As she walked out, I lit another cigarette and noted a nod of approval at a John McCain pamphlet in my mail slit, makes sense I guess, both veterans

Britomart- An Iambic Perspective

By Colin Doberstein

A figure in white armor faces me
With golden trim and flowing auburn hair.
She doffs her helm so she can plainly see
The lad (in height her equal) standing there.
Against her pallid skin her eyes burn bright
Their color fit to match the ocean wet.
She holds her spear free, ready for a fight
Until she perceives that I am no threat.
And in a solemn voice, she says: “Well met.”

She seems to me, due to her warlike calm
Like Washington, a courtly fighting man.
She voted for Obama, whose new dawn
Will help the poor: her duty and her plan.
And so I say to her: “Hello there, ma’am.
Your choice of garments makes your knighthood clear.
Though I wish not your valiant heart to slam.
It seems that of you I should have no fear.
For as you walk, I see you shed a tear.”

“’Tis true” she sniffs with upper lip held firm.
“My love I search for but have yet to find.
And so, if Arthegall you do discern,
Bring him to me and give me peace of mind.”
To her I told the truth: “Your love is dead.
I killed him, his superior I am.
And so, to me your love shall soon have fled.”
She disagreed, and used her spear to ram
Straight through the parts that mark me as a man.

And so, my friends, I give you some advice:
Killing a hot knight’s lover has its price.
So if you feel the need to sate your loins
Remember well the story of my wounded groin.

Gettin’ down with B-Mart

By Justin “JCov” Covington

I see Britomart, who will be referred to as B-Mart throughout the rest of this post, as a regal woman standing 5’10”. She has a commanding presence. Her skin is of a pale complexion but not ghost white. Her, which is generally held up under her armor and helmet, falls to about her naval. It is wavy and the most vibrant auburn. Her armor is cumberous in its appearance. Its color is silver and gold. The silver is the predominant color with the gold tracing the intricate designs. Although the armor is bulky, B-Mart is sturdy but not brutish. She is well toned with shoulders that could hold up the weight of the world. Her helmet is a closed in model with nosegaur: a full helmet. The predominant color also being silver, with the outline in gold. For the most part her weapon, the mighty spear, appears perfectly ordinary. Save for of course the strange green glow and crystal tipped end.

B-Mart would most definitely support McCain. She is a straight talking, no nonsense Maverick! She would also support his war heroics and strong stance on weapon rights. However, her voting process would most likely be unsuccessful because the sorcery of the Diebold machines would cause her to impale them with her fists of fury.

I would most likely have to compare B-Mart to Joan of Arc. This is because she is a strong woman who would do anything for her values. She is a fighter, yet retains her morality. It is a very powerful, legendary image.

[Sir Justin encounters a powerful looking knight on HIS steed in the forest. The conversation and events that ensue are accurate to the punctuation]

Justin: Sup man, you seen any good looking women around these parts? I haven’t done my knightly duty of tending to a fair maiden in a while. (winks)

B-Mart: What insults ye spit! Prepare to define thine honor!

Justin: HOLY %@#$ that’s a big spear! Hey dude, I was just saying…I mean what?

B-Mart: Let the jousting begin!

[They joust! Justin is impaled into a friggin tree…so much for finding a fair maiden]

Who is Britomart?

In my reading of the Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser, Britomart was not the average 5’4” scrawny woman. Have you ever seen a female bodybuilder? Yeah….that’s how I envisioned Britomart. How else could she defend herself so well against male knights? Anyway, she’s got guns. I always pictured her armor as a silver mail, with a very old-fashioned style to it. No awesome looking details or anything-just plain silver.

Britomart stands a remarkable 6’8”. She would have made Lisa Leslie look tiny. Her spear is long and sleek, with an unusually noticable tip. The vibrant red color of the tip lookd somewhat unnatural on a spear, but it’s oh so badass. She knocks people off horses with that thing with her eyes closed. Britomart has black hair and menacing brown eyes. If she stares you down without her helmet equipped, you freeze with fright.

Behind all the manly features, she happens to be fairly attractive, too. Her cheekbones are one of the few feminine features she possesses, as well as her breasts of course. Her breasts are also solid muscle, because Britomart is just an animal. If Malecasta knew she was a woman, then I think that she fainted because she felt how hard those babies were.

Britomart’s skin is darker than the average caucasian, but she is still considered “white”. Her skin tone matches many hispanics because it is a light shade of brown. Her horse has the same fur color as her skin, and they ride with a unity unmatched by any horse and jockey.

Don’t mess with Britomart, she’ll mess you up.


Me: Hey Britomart, let’s go in that door that says, “Be not too bold.”

Britomart: I would not do that fair child, for past that door awaits animals wild.

 If you wish to perish to Busirane, prepare yourself for unmatched pain.

 Me: What do you know? (Evan runs in and gets beheaded by enemies. Britomart follows and dies as well.)

Britomart:  You should have had patience lad, or things would not be this bad.

Now we lie on the floor dead, with you lacking a head.

Me:  It’s okay Britomart, we will respawn in ten seconds!

Britomart – what a woman!

by Amir Aschner

Britomart is indeed a beautiful woman. I don’t know this for sure, because she has never really been described to me but it’s one of those things you just know. I have a gut feeling that she is beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful that would get her a modeling job in our world but the kind of beautiful you can’t quite place and don’t know how to describe but at the same time can’t turn away from. She is tall for a woman but about average for men. She definitely is a brunette (brunettes just seem more courageous to me) and her hair is just below shoulder height and wavy but not so full of volume it can’t fit into her helmet. She is slender and has a toned, fit physique but not overly so. She still retains her feminine form and has moderate curves. Her most powerful feature is her eyes. She has penetrating, intelligent, alluring, deep green eyes. She is not a flashy dresser. She is kind of a tomboy and prefers loose comfortable clothing (except her battle attire). However, when she wants to impress she prefers tasteful dresses, usually of earthly colors, that bring out her lightly tanned skin and long, smooth legs. She does not wear makeup, mainly because she doesn’t need it. Her face has its own unique attractive quality and makeup would just overshadow it.

Britomart could be compared to a plethora of people for her numerous qualities. However, to pick two I must choose Joan of Arc as a realistic historical woman who fought for what she believed in and was very brave and also to Mulan (the Disney character) because both characters fight for their own beliefs and trick others into believing they are men and meet their true love in the process.

As to the ridiculous question of who our heroine would vote for in the most recent election I must say Obama. Not necessarily because she liked him over McCain but because she is a strong independent woman who surely wants women’s rights and historically the Democrats have been a stronger supporter of that.

Talking to Britomart would probably be difficult seeing as she most likely speaks in old English. However, if we met and had a short conversation I imagine it would go something like this:

“Britomart? Hi, my name is Amir Aschner and I am a big fan of yours. You’re quite the woman by my standards.”

“Sir Aschner, to meet thy acquaintance is a pleasure, and your kind words are to my ear a treasure.”

“Right. Well I have a lot to do today. Very nice to meet you and I hope to see you again soon so we can get to know each other better.”

“Indeed, good knight. Fair thee well on your quests and may luck always be upon your chest.”

“(aside) Jeeze, if she always talks in rhyme that would get annoying fast.”

What Does Britomart Look Like…

By: Max Mam

I envision Britomart as being about 5′ 8″ with long, dark brown hair and brown eyes. She is thin, but not so much as to appear weak. Very athletic, she possesses great strength and agility but is not physically imposing underneath her armor. Though she is very beautiful, she must hide her feminine features in order for her to pass as a male during quests. She wears ivory-colored armor and wields a snow white spear whose tip exudes a faint blue aura. Beneath the tough demeanor Britomart maintains whilst upon her many adventures lies a pleasant smile and a beautiful laugh. In some ways, she resembles Keira Knightley. Additionally, Britomart would undoubtedly vote for John McCain simply because he is her great-great-great-great-great grandson somewhere down the line. And we all know Britomart’s got her family’s back.

Britomart’s speech pattern implements many old English speech patterns and vocabulary and is thus far removed from the current vernacular in modern society. Also, she has an uncanny knack for having her sentences rhyme. Undoubtedly it would be great fun to talk to her.

Britomart: Most gracious noble knight, art thou not well? Speak what woes trouble your heart, I implore, for I shall smite those evils straight to hell, else in my vain process breathe nevermore.

Max: *speechless at the absurdity of the situation*

Britomart: What wretch doth live to thy voice take captive? By mine hands shall this evil be undone. Fear not, this villain soon shall cease to live. Foul sorcerer, thou shouldst make haste and run!

Max: *still speechless and watches in amazement as she runs to smite a non-existent sorcerer*