Who is Britomart?

In my reading of the Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser, Britomart was not the average 5’4” scrawny woman. Have you ever seen a female bodybuilder? Yeah….that’s how I envisioned Britomart. How else could she defend herself so well against male knights? Anyway, she’s got guns. I always pictured her armor as a silver mail, with a very old-fashioned style to it. No awesome looking details or anything-just plain silver.

Britomart stands a remarkable 6’8”. She would have made Lisa Leslie look tiny. Her spear is long and sleek, with an unusually noticable tip. The vibrant red color of the tip lookd somewhat unnatural on a spear, but it’s oh so badass. She knocks people off horses with that thing with her eyes closed. Britomart has black hair and menacing brown eyes. If she stares you down without her helmet equipped, you freeze with fright.

Behind all the manly features, she happens to be fairly attractive, too. Her cheekbones are one of the few feminine features she possesses, as well as her breasts of course. Her breasts are also solid muscle, because Britomart is just an animal. If Malecasta knew she was a woman, then I think that she fainted because she felt how hard those babies were.

Britomart’s skin is darker than the average caucasian, but she is still considered “white”. Her skin tone matches many hispanics because it is a light shade of brown. Her horse has the same fur color as her skin, and they ride with a unity unmatched by any horse and jockey.

Don’t mess with Britomart, she’ll mess you up.


Me: Hey Britomart, let’s go in that door that says, “Be not too bold.”

Britomart: I would not do that fair child, for past that door awaits animals wild.

 If you wish to perish to Busirane, prepare yourself for unmatched pain.

 Me: What do you know? (Evan runs in and gets beheaded by enemies. Britomart follows and dies as well.)

Britomart:  You should have had patience lad, or things would not be this bad.

Now we lie on the floor dead, with you lacking a head.

Me:  It’s okay Britomart, we will respawn in ten seconds!


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