Professor Hall! How could you have missed this! This exciting time! This week of weeks! For this week was no ordinary week; nay this week was the week I called off my War on Poetry.
I’m not an art guy. I’m the guy that scoffs at the abstract stuff hanging on the walls of people’s homes. My friends who are into that sort of stuff tell me I have to find a specific art form and try to “feel” it. I in turn tell them to put down the hippie lettuce and come back from the 60’s. Then they tell me I’m not sophisticated. Eh, so be it.
I tell you this because you need to know my reasons of originally going to battle. I haven’t enjoyed a poem since Shel Silverstein’s masterpiece Where the Sidewalk Ends. So, assigning me Faerie Queene is like teaching my grandmother how to play middle linebacker. Yeah, you could try. Heck, she might even learn something. But what would she do with that information? How is it relevant? I originally declared my War on Poetry because poetry, as a form of writing and an art, is one of the least efficient ways of expressing an idea.
Then, after our Tuesday class, I learned a little bit about Edmund Spenser. I learned about his inspirations: the great thinkers of our past. Me and Ed, we share the same literary heroes. Maybe this guy ain’t so bad after all. I gave it a try, but found I was shamefully incompetent. Translating Spencer into modern English after years of not practicing was dreadful. So I developed a fool-proof method of reading, and understanding his work. Oh, and I wrote it in Spenserian stanza.
First grab a drink, maybe something of strength
Chill, grab your snuggie, prepare for a ride
A poem of virtues, but above all: length
It’s free fr’all spelling, where u equals y
Britomart is Chaste, and a knight she lies
But her Beauty pales to Lady Florimell
Una is good, Duessa is the bad guy
A religious piece, it’s virtues or Hell
And if none of it makes sense, read again. Oh well.
Wow, that’s in the right meter and everything. That wasn’t even that hard. Spenser isn’t so impressive after all. The War is back on.