Who is Britomart?

In my reading of the Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser, Britomart was not the average 5’4” scrawny woman. Have you ever seen a female bodybuilder? Yeah….that’s how I envisioned Britomart. How else could she defend herself so well against male knights? Anyway, she’s got guns. I always pictured her armor as a silver mail, with a very old-fashioned style to it. No awesome looking details or anything-just plain silver.

Britomart stands a remarkable 6’8”. She would have made Lisa Leslie look tiny. Her spear is long and sleek, with an unusually noticable tip. The vibrant red color of the tip lookd somewhat unnatural on a spear, but it’s oh so badass. She knocks people off horses with that thing with her eyes closed. Britomart has black hair and menacing brown eyes. If she stares you down without her helmet equipped, you freeze with fright.

Behind all the manly features, she happens to be fairly attractive, too. Her cheekbones are one of the few feminine features she possesses, as well as her breasts of course. Her breasts are also solid muscle, because Britomart is just an animal. If Malecasta knew she was a woman, then I think that she fainted because she felt how hard those babies were.

Britomart’s skin is darker than the average caucasian, but she is still considered “white”. Her skin tone matches many hispanics because it is a light shade of brown. Her horse has the same fur color as her skin, and they ride with a unity unmatched by any horse and jockey.

Don’t mess with Britomart, she’ll mess you up.

CONVERSATION

Me: Hey Britomart, let’s go in that door that says, “Be not too bold.”

Britomart: I would not do that fair child, for past that door awaits animals wild.

 If you wish to perish to Busirane, prepare yourself for unmatched pain.

 Me: What do you know? (Evan runs in and gets beheaded by enemies. Britomart follows and dies as well.)

Britomart:  You should have had patience lad, or things would not be this bad.

Now we lie on the floor dead, with you lacking a head.

Me:  It’s okay Britomart, we will respawn in ten seconds!

What Does Britomart Look Like…

By: Max Mam

I envision Britomart as being about 5′ 8″ with long, dark brown hair and brown eyes. She is thin, but not so much as to appear weak. Very athletic, she possesses great strength and agility but is not physically imposing underneath her armor. Though she is very beautiful, she must hide her feminine features in order for her to pass as a male during quests. She wears ivory-colored armor and wields a snow white spear whose tip exudes a faint blue aura. Beneath the tough demeanor Britomart maintains whilst upon her many adventures lies a pleasant smile and a beautiful laugh. In some ways, she resembles Keira Knightley. Additionally, Britomart would undoubtedly vote for John McCain simply because he is her great-great-great-great-great grandson somewhere down the line. And we all know Britomart’s got her family’s back.

Britomart’s speech pattern implements many old English speech patterns and vocabulary and is thus far removed from the current vernacular in modern society. Also, she has an uncanny knack for having her sentences rhyme. Undoubtedly it would be great fun to talk to her.

Britomart: Most gracious noble knight, art thou not well? Speak what woes trouble your heart, I implore, for I shall smite those evils straight to hell, else in my vain process breathe nevermore.

Max: *speechless at the absurdity of the situation*

Britomart: What wretch doth live to thy voice take captive? By mine hands shall this evil be undone. Fear not, this villain soon shall cease to live. Foul sorcerer, thou shouldst make haste and run!

Max: *still speechless and watches in amazement as she runs to smite a non-existent sorcerer*

B r i t o m a r t

~ by Jim B.

Britomart is hard to look at on a sunny day; her armor is blindingly white, so as to represent Chastity. Her hair is indeed blond (no arguments !), and she keeps it short in order to be unhindered in battle, though it also helps her to masquerade as a man when she’s in the mood. Because travelling around in a suit of heavy armor can be uncomfortably warm, Britomart chooses to wear few garments beneath her blinding white plates. These garments include: a short white robe, occasionally stained with purple; an enticingly dainty white undergarment; and two thick, battleworthy white stockings. The shaft of her spear is bleached, and its blade glows softly (it’s enchanted, duh). Britomart is of very imposing stature, standing tall and proud in the face of danger. She commands the respect of all who meet her.

Britomart would vote for neither McCain nor Obama. In fact, she wouldn’t have time to vote at all. Even if she did, though, she wouldn’t have enough time to develop an informed opinion on the issues, and because she is honest and virtuous, would not cast a half-boiled vote. Why doesn’t she have any time ? Because she’s always questing, of course.

The following is what I imagine would happen if ever I were to meet Britomart:

Britomart: “Hail, who goes there ?”

Me, wearing sunglasses because of the shiny armor: “Would you mind standing in the shade ? I can’t see.”

Britomart: “Whate mannere of sorcerie be this ?! Darken spectacles whichen blocketh the gentle rayes of yonder sonne !”

Me: “Umm, yeah, please stop pointing that spear at me.” <_< *start backing away from the crazy lady*

Britomart: “Do not essaye to flye from battle, for I shall smite thee and thy foul magicked spectacles !”

Hi! Bye!

By Chris Bang 13, November

I would say that Britomart is a 17 years old 5’6” long brunette girl. She is in shining red full-plate armor, which is made of dragon bones (why not? It is just a fiction!), a magical helm that can change a voice and carries a long crystal spear, which is unbreakable. She is thin yet well-built (unless she won’t be able to wear her armor). I think she would vote for McCain, because there were no black people in England during her time, so Britomart would just think that Obama is an alien (no one is going to vote for an alien!). I would say that Britomart resembles Jean D’Arc, for she is the only woman warrior I know (I know Mulan too, but the Chinese girl doesn’t wear a full-plate armor).

 

Chris: Hi, Britomart!

Britomart: Hi and bye!

Chris: Uuhhh…… wait a sec!

Britomart: (Yells with an angry face) talk to me once more and I will smite you!!!!!!!!!!! So, bye!!!

B-Mart

By: Lynne M.

Britomart is 5’8″ with long, straight dark brown hair. She isn’t extraordinarily skinny, but she is thin and healthy-looking. She wears a dull silver suit of armor with her hair put up in her helmet when it’s on, but when she’s just walking around, she has her helmet off and under her arm. She would vote for McCain, because she’s a traditional country girl who likes her weapons.

B: Good’ay, kind ma’am. Dost thou have any issues with loue that I may help thou with?

L: Well, yeah. My love is in the far off land of Murfreesboro, in the kingdom of Sir Phillip Bredesen. He is locked up in the art building on the campus of MTSU, held captive by an art professor who is attempting to steal his artistic abilities and use them for evil purposes.

B: Then off we must go so that your loue canst keep his precious skills of art that he obtains by collecting powers from the God aboue and harnessing them for worldly good. We must defend him from the evil professor!

L: Onward!